Slash and Burn: My Unfinished Story

Chapter 3: Bleeding Love
by Johanna Almendras
July 31, 2008

 

I have to be honest to myself, after the break up I had a hard time. In fact it must have been the most difficult phase of my life. After school I go home to a place of no assurance. I find myself worrying for I have nothing to do. I had no one to inform that I arrive home safely. I had no one to wake up in the morning or follow up academic home works at night. It seems that a big chunk of my time, effort, concentration, emotion, finances, and memory was now empty, spacious and unused.

At 9 in the evening I prayed but was surprised that intentions came out from me with so much effort. What once was a smooth sailing, free flowing conversation turned into a scripted one. it was precisely because I was resisting my own thoughts and feelings. I was so used to praying for him, his family, his studies, his health, his friends, his service,etc. but we are no longer to together and this “obligation” is no longer necessary. But is it really like that? Should one stop praying for a person because that person is technically  no longer his concern? Yet as much as I want to still pray for him what shall my prayer sound like? Of course I can’t be praying that his new relationship be well. So I’m only left confused, reminded and saddened of how my prayer was like so I have chosen not to pray instead.

The sun continued to shine, the workers go on with their daily routine, my sisters go to work and so I’d do my thing too. I’d take a jeepney, cry in there when I’m once again haunted with my loneliness and wait until the 45-minute ride ends, enter the room and while waiting for the professor, do chit chats with my blockmates.

“How are you now?”, asks Indie a blockmate who herself has not been into a real relationship but lives in Dumaguete, a place which I imagined to be perfectly romantic for lovers and a haven for barkadas.

“Still not okay. It’s very hard. I still cry myself to sleep and wake up crying still.”

As expected from any broken hearted person, I started telling my story.

“He was really a good boyfriend and if there was anything wrong with the relationship it was only on the latter part where the relationship was on the rocks.”

I mentioned a couple of incidents to convince them how perfect it used to be even if I feel that they don’t want to know and even if they do, will still feel indifferent to what I feel. They  may feel sympathy but after that they’re okay. There is nothing they can do and they exactly knew that but still continued to console me. Human nature has always been this way. When someone suffers all we can do is ask, make them share their thoughts and how they feel of the situation, give advise when ask for one but we will still remain indifferent. We cannot equally feel their pain for one’s suffering is always different from the other no matter how similar the situation may be. But nevertheless I went on conversing with them.

“He must have fallen out of love”, comments Angel, a tall pretty morena but an NBSB blockmate. Noticing that I remained silent and a bit confuse of the idea she further explained.

“You know, one day he woke up and realize that he does not love you anymore. A lot of people say it happens.” then the door opened and our professor stepped in.

After class I went straight home because heavy tears are about to pour. Even before I can undress, raindrops started to fall. Could it be heaven’s way of accompanying me in this miserable lonely night? Well it really doesn’t have to, even the rain is indifferent to my suffering. Indeed things changed, even how I see the rain changed. I used to see it as a blessing, a shower of fireworks from heaven. On the night we became a couple it was raining hard and I took that as heaven’s approval and confirmation of what just happened. In our 2-year relationship, it has always rained every 9th of the month at least in places where we were at. It was pleasing to hear raindrops embracing the earth but now, there is so much bitterness in hearing it clash the rooftop.

Fall out of love? that’s weird. I never knew that falling in love was reversible but if it is then it means that falling out of love is favored when falling in love is saturated, in that way the direction shifts to falling out of love. That’s how chemistry describes it through Le Chatelier’s principle.

no love <—-> love

But wether this is the case or not, being the partner of the person who fell out of love is as painful as the idea sounds.

The rain continued and I finished preparing supper. My siblings arrive and we ate together like we usually do only this time I need not worry if Lino has eaten too.

Breaking up with me was painful enough to hate him but hate isn’t the absence of love. I may have hatred in my heart but I have love too, I feel them both.

If by any moment now I die, it has got to be due to internal bleeding.

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