The Book I’d Write: Last Straw

BLURB: “Even in silence I chose to love him still, for loving seems enough. That loving me in return did not matter anymore”

Chapter 4: Plead for Love
by Johanna Almendras
July 31, 2008

He visited because he wants to know if I’m still mad at him. I told him the truth, that there were days that I wake up cursing him and there were days that I wish him well and days that I just honestly don’t think about him at all.

“Do I still own my spot?” Must be the mushy-iest question he asked.

“If you could have asked me the same question 2 years ago then my answer would be yes”,I responded.

You must think that it was the weirdest and the most indirect way of answering the question. But I couldn’t think of any better way of holding back what I really feel without totally lying.

Why did he want to know? He probably thinks that the very reason why I still hate him is because I still have feelings for him, that after 4 years I’m still mad, I’m still in pain.

Confronted by the question, I felt intense sadness. I cried. Crying is not new to me at all only this time the reason behind the teardrop is. This time I’m no longer crying because I’m in pain, I’m crying because I’m in love…still madly in love.

I’ve spent four years of my life without him. I suffered, struggled and was wounded but I made it through. With my family and friends I was healed. What’s a fresh cut going to do me now? Nothing would be as painful as his betrayal. So why would I bother myself with one question?

But like any other benign tumor, it spreads. From a spark, it’s turned into a gigantic ball of fire. I hope and hope and now I’m starting to pray that he still loves me. I pray that nothing has changed. That he is still the same person I knew and I’m still the same person he was crazy for. That someday I’d hear him say that he wants me back. That all these time he thinks about me. That we was wrong about leaving me. Because me? In each day I stumble, each day I smile, each triumph, each decision…it has always been him, it has always been just him.

“He must not know”, I tell myself.

I can’t tell him. It’s very inappropriate. He is in a 4-year relationship , in a happy and seems to be a strong one.

“Let me ask you a hypothetical question then. What if I’d break up with her? Will everything be okay with us?”

Just like that, the tumor was miraculously eradicated. I’ve been waiting to hear it. I’ve imagine it so many times that I knew exactly what to do next. I’d hug him tight and feel him and every bit of him. But I did not do so. Theory after all is not always equivalent to practice. I suddenly realized that it was not the ultimate cure, that the tumor could still return. It was not the food that would satisfy my hungry soul. I needed to know and hear something else.

Sobbing, I stood up and said “I don’t want you to break up with her because of me. I want you to break up with her because you don’t love her”

I paused for 2 seconds and proceed, “because you love me”

That was it! It was the root of my pain. I envy her and his love for her. I’m hurt not only because he does not love me but because he loves her. It’s two different things. I love him and he loves her, that’s absurd.

While he is loving her, I am loosing him. What a painful idea this is. I probably love the guy too bad that I could only wish him happiness still. I once encountered a sad quote that says “slowly I’m losing you, still I manage to smile cause I know life is not about who you lose but it’s what you find. I found you, now you found her, it’s your turn to be happy… I had mine”.

Yes indeed I HAD mine. Loving him is the happiest moment of my life. I consider it as the essence of my existence but I know I have to let him go.

“Kristel, you are wonderful and extra special the way you are. I love you in a different way that I love her”, he explained.

“Which love is better?”, I asked.

He did not answer. He looked pained.

“Then why the hell go all the way here and ask me stupid leading questions?”

“I don’t want you to be mad at me. I don’t want you to suffer, to feel pain”

I stared at him with uncertainty.

He continued, “If only I could heal you, save you from your suffering, then I would. It’s hard to go on each day knowing that I caused someone pain. If I could only command your heart to stop beating for me… but I know I just can’t. How you still feel this way after all that happened? It’s amazing. It’s overwhelming and crazy too. And no one can question your love. It is unconditional, something that I don’t deserve and cannot repay”

I am crying once again, or was I the whole time?

“So this is how I will always be? Your special someone? Is there no credit for my unconditional love that you say?”

“I can’t tell you want you want to hear. The truth may hurt by lies will hurt you even more”